I'm Out

First off, I want to apologize for being a horrible blogger. I've slacked off in both my reading and writing. I've also slacked off in the infertility forums. I think I just needed a break for a little while. To try and focus on other things besides infertility. I'll try to do better. Promise.

I tested yesterday at 12 DPO. I tested earlier at 6DPO, but I don't count that because I was testing to see if the trigger was out of my system. Yesterday was the most obvious BFN I have ever seen. I splurged and got a FRER and I have never seen so much white surrounding a single pink line. I've also been having horrid AF cramps the past couple of days. I'm 99.9% certain I'm out this cycle. I lost all pregnancy symptoms once the trigger left my system. No sore boobs, no nausea, no bionic sense of smell. Nothing.

To be completely honest, I wasn't surprised to see a BFN. From the beginning, I felt like this cycle just wasn't going to work. Seeing that single line was not some mind-blowing surprise. I was expecting it. That being said, I was surprised by how disappointed I was. I didn't burst into tears, or yell and break things, but I was so disappointed. Even though I didn't expect  this cycle to work, I wanted it to work. I wanted it to work so much.

Now I'm bombarded with a new set of worries. I know the reason I couldn't get pregnant before, I don't ovulate on my own. Buy this cycle I know I ovulated. I know when I ovulated. And there was lots and lots of sexy-fun-baby-making time centered around my ovulation, so I know I didn't  miss my "window of opportunity." That leaves me with all these unanswered questions about what went wrong.

Is the quality of my eggs bad?
Was my lining too thin? Too thick?
Is there something preventing sperm and egg from meeting?
Do the Mr.'s swimmers and my egg fail to make a quality embryo?
Was I too "stressed out" and "unrelaxed" during the TWW?
Did I jinx this whole cycle by saying from the beginning it wasn't going to work?
How many cycles, how many disappointments, do I have in my before I reach my breaking point and am not able to do this anymore?

So many questions, and not nearly enough answers.