Tonight was our church's Christmas banquet. I love our church and this banquet is something I look forward to every year. In the past it's always been a good, fun time of fellowship and food. Tonight, however, was very different than times past. As soon as I walked in the door I wanted to turn back around and leave. There were kids everywhere, all dressed in their Christmas best. Everywhere I looked were cute hats and big bows. It seriously made me sick to my stomach, I only managed to choke down a few bites of my dinner.
To make matters worse we sat at a table with a couple of our parent friends. The man is a year older than me and the woman a year younger. Her parents also sat at the table with us and they spent the whole time talking to and about their two girls. The oldest, who is about 3, is a whiny, brat who throws temper-tantrums and cries all the time. (Yeah, I know I'm being harsh but seeing her and thinking of her in these terms helps me deal. So what?) However the baby, who is just over a year, is the sweetest, most adorable little girl a person could hope for. She is always smiling and laughing and will pretty much let anyone hold her. It was nearly impossible to keep my eyes of her in her pretty Christmas dress and big hair bow. I fought between the urge to cry and the urge to vomit the whole night. Couple this with the fact I spent the night making sure I avoided a certain other lady, and I couldn't get out to there fast enough.
As a side note, this lady I spent a good portion of my night avoiding, the last time I ate at a table with her I regretted it immensely. She spent the majority of the conversation asking me about mine and the Mr.'s plans to have kids, how long were we going to wait, we're we already trying, etc. etc. The type of conversations that make an infertile want to both run out of the room screaming and karate kick the interrogator in the face. I tried to be polite, but she really was pushing my limit. Luckily, I had another friend with me that night who knew about my struggle (one of the very few people I've confided in IRL), saw the situation for what it was, and rescued me by engaging this
Anyway, by the time we got home I was in quite a pissy mood. I didn't enjoy myself at all and spent the entire ride home obsessing about wether or not I'd have a baby to dress in their Christmas best come December of next year. (My hope of this is pretty slim.) When I got home I started browsing face.book to try and distract myself from my negative thoughts,and came across the Mr.'s little cousin's new girlfriend. Just last week we were discussing LB's latest and greatest fling and the Mr.'s brother (whom I cannot stand) mentioned how LB was way out of his league because his new girlfriend was and I quote "extremely gorgeous."
Well, if her profile picture is accurate, she is not in any way "extremely gorgeous." She is, in fact, "extremely ugly." (When I get in these kinds of moods I'm not very nice. So what?) I showed the Mr. her picture and what I thought about her and his brother's perception on women. The Mr. then tells me that although she's not "extremely gorgeous" she's not ugly either. Now I know that this is nothing to get upset over. After all, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." But for some reason, him disagreeing with me, really upset me. I know it's irrational and it makes no sense that I feel this way. But I keep thinking about babies, and Christmas outfits, and meddling women, and the fact that my husband doesn't agree with me on something, and I...just...want...to...cry. Or scream. Or go on a rampage and break every dish in my kitchen cabinets.
I just don't understand how I could have such a good day yesterday, and have such a good day earlier today, and then all of a sudden go from one end of the spectrum to the other. I hate this. I hate this and I realize there isn't a blasted thing I can do about it.
I just hope and pray that by next year's Christmas banquet, this will all just be a bad memory and I'll have a baby in my arms. And if I do, he/she will be dressed in the biggest, most obnoxious Christmas outfit I can find!