Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Decisions. Decisions.

Life is full of tough decisions. We all know it. We've all experienced it. Sometimes we make the right decisions. Sometimes we make the wrong ones. But every decision impacts our life, our future self, in some way.

I've been given a hard decision. Dr. Lady Parts has left the decision whether to have a repeat c-section  or attempt a VBAC up to me. And I really, really wish she hadn't. I wish she had simply told me "this" is what we are going to do. I know a lot of women in my situation would love to have options. But I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. It's a decision that could affect my decisions later in life.  Such as the decision to try for more kids. My doctor said the "recommended" number of sections is 3, but she would recommend no more than 4.

I've stressed, and prayed, and researched. Right now, I have decided to do the repeat section. Both have their pros and cons. For me the deciding factor is how utterly TERRIFIED I am of my water breaking at home. A flukey second sac (the mighty, protecting hand of God) is the only reason I have my son today. I still have some trauma, and probably always will, regarding my son's entrance into this world. So for me, for my peace of mind, a repeat section is the best choice. I know there will be people who disagree with me. I know there are people who would argue that fact, both online and in real life. But this is ultimately my choice and I'm just going to have to stand up to those people and let them know that this is my decision and a repeat section is the decision I've made.

Monday, February 9, 2015

A Quick Update

Fluid levels are within normal range, thank God. That was a horrible week of my life I'll never get back. I'm starting to feel Poppy move around more and more, his/her kicks get stronger all the time. We go for our anatomy scan on the 16 and hopefully they'll be more sure of what the gender is this time.

I've had a rough few days. I had a very ugly cry Saturday and have already broken down twice today. I'm having an "I really need a hug" day. Hopefully the Mr. will be obliging when he gets home. But through it all I am so thankful Poppy seems to be healthy and growing.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

It's Always Something

Over the weekend I felt like I was getting a UTI. Great, just what I wanted after getting rid of a yeast infection. I called the on call nurse, explained my symptoms and she called in an antibiotic for me to start taking immediately.

I have had many UTIs. I have been pregnant before. I have never had a UTI while pregnant. Saturday night I peed myself. Umm...ok, haven't had that happen with a UTI before. Sunday I was constantly peeing myself. Every time I stood up I peed. I would be walking and pee. I either wouldn't feel the urge at all, or feel it and pee immediately after and wasn't able to make it to the bathroom.

Monday I called my doctor, just looking for some reassurance that what I was experiencing was normal. Instead they made me an appointment for two hours after I called. It seems that what I was describing could be indicative of two things: 1. A bacterial infection. 2. Leaking fluid.

I went in. They did some tests and an ultrasound. They are sending the tests off for cultures to check for infections. Doctor said my fluid levels were "a little low." So I'm to go back Monday for a follow up. I'm trying not to stress and worry to much. Before I left my doctor told me that based on her examination she felt I was just suffering from an infection, but we're trying to know for sure that's what it is.

I've been chugging water and taking the antibiotics. I'm no longer peeing all over the place and feeling much better. I'm just anxious for Monday and hopefully be reassured that everything is fine. The one bright spot in all this is that the tech told us she was over 95% sure what Poppy's sex was. But I'm not ready to share that yet. 1. I'm going to wait until another ultrasound and hopefully they'll be 99+% sure. 2. I want to make the reveal a special post all it's own.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

7 Years

Yesterday was the anniversary of our first date. The Mr. and I met online. We chatted online for awhile and talked some on the phone before he asked me out to a lunch date.

Time is a funny thing. It feels like the Mr. has been a part of my life forever, I have a hard time remembering life before him. But I remember that date like it was yesterday. I remember what I wore. I remember what he wore. I remember walking into the restaurant and the thought, "You could be about to meet your husband," entered my mind. I remember laughing at myself because I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. I went mainly because I was offered a free meal at one of my favorite restaurants. I remember the first time I saw him and my first thought was about the coat he was wearing and how ugly I thought it was. I remember it was standing room only in the waiting area, since it was a holiday they were very crowded. Some of the hostesses brought around trays of appetizers for people to eat while they waited. I was so hungry and wanted one so badly, but I declined because I was afraid the green and black spices would get stuck in my teeth. Today I still regret not trying the fried ravaloi. I remember what I ordered and what he ordered. I remember how he just kept staring at me, but was making such an effort to hide the fact he was staring at me, but he failed miserably. When we had been dating a while I asked him if he knew how nerve racking it was trying to eat when someone is staring so intently at you. His reply, "I couldn't help it. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." (Be still my heart). I remember as we were leaving he turned to me in the parking lot and asked if he could see me again sometime. I said sure, honestly expecting to never hear from him again. For me, there were no fireworks. The earth didn't move. I didn't hear bells ringing or look deeply into his eyes and know he was "the one." He called me that night and set up a date for the following Saturday.

Thus, began the story of how the Mr. and I came to be. Hardly a day went by that we didn't see each other. He worked nights. I was in school full time and worked a part time job, but we somehow managed to spend all the time together we could. Whether that was metting at 7 in the morning for breakfast, or meeting at 1 in the morning for coffee. We fell fast and we fell hard. The Mr. was hooked on the first date. It took me a little longer, though not much, but when I did come around that was it.

It seems crazy to think of how much stuff can happen in 7 years. Marriage. Buying, not one, but three houses. Infertility. Overcoming infertility. A job promotion. An energetic two year old and another baby on the way. Life is an adventure. It's full of trials and joys, and it has it's ups and downs. It is a crazy, crazy ride. But I'm so thankful to have my husband in the seat next to me. I wouldn't want to travel this road with anyone else.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Gender Disappointment

I hit 15 weeks yesterday. I've entered that glorious second trimester where morning sickness disappears overnight, I have more energy, and food is once again my best friend. Plus, the flutters in my tummy are becoming more prominent and happening more often. I'm feeling pretty good.

This pregnancy is going by a lot faster than my first. I suspect it's because I have a very active toddler occupying all my time and attention. With Squishy the weeks drrraaagggeeeddd. Each day felt like a week and each week felt like a month as I counted down the hours until I reached those all important milestones. Second trimester.  Viability. Full term. With Poppy (the nickname my husband has given Baby #2) I wake up each Sunday and think, "Wow, another week flown by." It seems impossible that I have KNOWN I was pregnant for nearly 12 weeks.

I'm in a few online forums and groups with women due in July. Many of them are at the stage where they can get early ultrasounds and bloodwork done to determine gender.  It seems everyday I log in and read posts about "gender disappointment." Some one really wanted pink and got blue and now they can't stop crying. Someone's husband really wanted blue and got pink and now he's already talking about trying again. Gender disappointment brings up a lot of mixed feelings.

When I was wanting a baby so badly, I thought gender disappointment was one of the stupidest things I'd ever heard. Why are you complaining that you just found out you were pregnant with your fifth boy? You have FIVE kids. Be grateful! Before I got pregnant with Squishy I could see myself having two boys. I'm not sure why, but when I pictured my family I pictured two boys. When I saw my very first positive HPT I told the Mr., "I'm pregnant, and it's a boy." I just had this deep down feeling Squishy was a boy. I can't tell you how I felt when I found out I was right.

In trying for Baby #2, I've always pictured a second boy. For 15 months I saw a little brother for Squishy. That is, until I saw those two lines. When I saw that positive test I tried to picture a boy, but I just...couldn't. All I could picture was dresses and bows and pink everywhere. If someone ask me what I think I say, "Girl."

I'm hopeful our dr will be able to get a peek at the goods at our next appointment on the 30th. Reading of so many women being disappointed with the sex of their baby, I began to fear that I might be disappointed with the sex of mine. So I sat down and really thought about how I felt. I admitted to myself that if I had the power to choose, I'd choose a girl this time. Then I began to worry that I would be disappointed if I had a boy. A couple days later I had a dream where the dr told me I was having a boy and I woke up excited, and a little disappointed to discover I was only dreaming. Will I be disappointed if I find out I'm having a boy instead of a girl? Yes. But it won't be disappointment because I'm having a boy, it'll be disappointment that my inkling (that was spot on with Squishy) was WRONG. I'll have no reason to be disappointed with the baby.

I'm excited to have another baby. If it's a girl, great. If it's a boy, that will be equally as wonderful.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Squishy Update

I am disbelief that in a little over two months my little man will be TWO! How is that possible? 

He changes everyday and I am amazed at how smart he is, how fast he learns. His vocabulary is constantly increasing, he no longer walks but runs everywhere. And his problem solving skills are outrageous! He has proven that when he wants something, not much can stand in his way. 

He's a little ham that keeps me and his daddy smiling and laughing constantly. I have to be on my toes with this one. His favorite movies are Toy Story and Finding Nemo. He'll tell us he wants to watch "Fish," or "Toys." He love cars, trains, "horsies," and balls. He loves to give kisses, head butts, and to stick his feet under your nose while telling you to "Mell." And when you make a gaging face he dissolves into the most contagious giggles. We'll tell him to "kiss the baby," and he'll drop whatever he is doing to kiss my belly. Then he'll kiss his daddy's belly, and everyone else's in the room. 

This little boy has introduced me to a whole new kind of love that I never knew existed. He has brought so much joy to our lives. We are so thankful God chose us to be his parents. He is truly our greatest gift. 


Saturday, December 6, 2014

One Beautiful Heartbeat

My ultrasound Monday showed one healthy heartbeat of 160. Baby's measurements matched my charts exactly and the doctor confirmed my predicted due date of July 5. One thing that I found irritating was how every person I talked to prior to seeing my doctor insisted on using my last period to indicate how far along I am. I have PCOS, I didn't ovulate until CD TWENTY-SEVEN, my last period means squat where my ovulation in concerned. Everyone brushes me off like I didn't have the sense to know what I was talking about. So I go into my ultrasound and my dr expresses concerne because I'm measuring over a week behind. Once I told her the dates in my chart were wrong and told her I should only be 9 weeks instead of 10, baby measured perfectly. I'm thankful I charted and know exactly when I ovulated, or else I would be freaking out.

My dr also mentioned that I had the option to try for a natural delivery. I didn't think she supported VBACs, but she said we could try if that was what I wanted. I don't really know how I feel about that. We came so close to losing Squishy, there is a lot of comfort in scheduling a repeat c-section. However, I really feel like I missed out on the whole birthing experience with Squishy, and that was something I mourned extensively. Then there is always the chance I could endure another long labor, only to end up with another emergency section anyway. Thankfully, I have some time to make my decision.