Mother's Day

I woke up Sunday to a hungry baby and gushing husband. The man went all out in trying to make my first Mother's Day, as a mother, extra special. This included flowers, balloons, and a bottle of my favorite perfume (he's a keeper I tell you). My favorite gift was a homemade card that he had made from Squishy's handprint.

Now I do love me a pretty bouquet of flowers and a bottle of expensive perfume, but Sunday wasn't about gifts and recognition for being a totally amazing mom. Sunday was about me holding my baby boy close and thanking God I didn't have to spend another Mother's Day with empty arms and an aching heart.

My friends who are still waiting, still in the trenches, were on my mind all day. I know how hard it is, and I pray none of you have to go through another Mother's Day with empty arms again.

Still Here

We're still here. Unfortunately, we're without Internet right now so I'm having to type on my phone. I miss you guys.

2 Months Old

 Today my little man turned two months old. We also had his two month checkup. My little chunk weighs 11 pounds 14 ounces and was 23 1/4 inches long! It's crazy how big he has gotten in such a short amount of time. The Mr. says it's the boob juice.

His doctor also told me that his motor skills are advanced for a two month old. He kicks and scoots and halfway turns over. She told me both "congratulations" and "my condolences" because he can no longer be trusted to be left just lying on the couch when I run to the bathroom. He'll soon be rolling over and she said he would most likely be an early crawler/walker. It makes me both proud and sad. I want him to remain a baby for a long time.

"No more pictures, Mommy"

N

NIAW

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. When we were first diagnosed with infertility I was tormented with feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I didn't understand how I could be infertile. I was so young. I was twenty-two when I received a diagnosis of PCOS and told pregnancy would not come easily for us. I was twenty-three when we hit the TTC for one year mark and were officially infertile. Twenty-three! I was in my fertile peak. I was supposed to be the epitome of fertility.

There is a myth that women who suffer from infertility suffer because they "waited too long." I've heard the ignorant phrase, "she shouldn't have waited so long," more than once, as I'm sure you have. I can tell you, I am proof, that infertility (like cancer) does not discriminate based on age. It is a disease. Unfortunately, people do not seem to realize this. Stupid advice like "just relax," or "take a vacation," is what we receive when we open up about our struggles to our loved ones. No one would dare tell a person struggling with cancer to "just relax," or "it'll go away when the time is right."

I got over my shame and embarrassment. I realized that infertility is a disease, one that I had no control over. I began to try and educate the people around me. When our friends had their third baby and commented on how "easy" it was to get pregnant, I spoke up. I came out on fb about our struggles. And I had friends admit to me that they were struggling too. Women my age, in their early-mid twenties, who had been trying for a year. Two years. Three years. Women who had been diagnosed with PCOS, who had had three miscarriages, who had been unable to conceive again after a miscarriage that had happened and year and a half prior.

I will always wear the scars of infertility, but it is part of who I am. It will always be a part of who I am.

Family Resemblance

Do you see the resemblance? I'm the cutie on the left and Squishy is the super cutie on the right.

I had my 6 week postpartum checkup today. I asked my doctor if she thought I'd have trouble conceiving again. She told me it's different for everyone (of course) but that in her experience once her patients conceive and carry a baby to term they usually get pregnant again pretty easily. I hope she's right. Every time I see the beautiful smile I can't imagine only doing this once.

She asked me if I was on any type of birth control and I told her we had decided to use condoms for now. It seems weird that we're using any type of contraceptive after trying to get pregnant for so long. I almost feel guilty for using them, but I know that I need time to heal. Besides I think this little guy deserves all of my attention right now, and I gladly give it to him. 

I'm already getting hints of how full my hands are going to be when he gets older. 

Sex and Marriage

I'm ticked. I'm annoyed. I'm frustrated. And it's all because of sex.

I love sex. Not so much the physical pleasure it brings (although I do enjoy that a great deal), but more the intimacy, the closeness I feel with my husband when we make love. It brings out all the mushy, lovey-dovey emotions in me and I get to experience the same excitement I felt when I first realized I was falling in love with him. It's how I show my husband I love him. I'm a physical person. When I'm feeling loving I want to make love. When I'm angry/upset I don't want to touch him, I don't want him to touch me, I don't even want to look at him. I usually end up leaving the room until I'm ready to discuss our issues. Sex is important to me. It's important to my marriage.

I also love to read. And I love to read about sex. I'm always on the look out for good advice/tips.  Whenever I find a book and/or blog about marriage I always read the sections about sex first. Because sex is high on the list of priorities in my marriage. But I've noticed a trend in these books/blogs. 99.9% talk to the woman about how hurtful saying "no" in bed can be to her husband. How she needs to, basically, suck it up and do her wifely duty. (Of course, they manage to say it much nicer, but this is how I interpret their message).

Confession time: I have a (much?) higher sex drive than my husband. My husband could probably count on two fingers the number of times he's come to me in the past three years and I've said "no," or "not tonight." This has caused much contention in our marriage. Him feeling like there must be something physically wrong with him. Me feeling like a freak of nature. His co-workers talking about how their wives "never want to do it." My friends telling me how their husbands "always want to do it." It hurts. I used to think that there must be something terribly wrong with us. Then I found this blog. It basically states how we are not alone in this. This blog is specifically for "higher drive" wives and the kind of things we struggle with.

We are a completely normal married couple. It just so happens that one of us has a higher drive than the other (like most marriages). And it just so happens that in our relationship the person with the higher drive is me. There is nothing wrong with either one of us (although my PCOS and high testosterone levels may play a small physical role, however my needs are mainly emotional).

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when he tells me "no" or "not tonight." Rejection hurts. No matter how softly it's delivered. And it's hard not to take that rejection personally. I don't always keep in mind that sex means something different to my husband than it does to me. He doesn't get the same intimacy from it I do. I try to show my husband with sex, kisses, and physical touch how much I love him. I try to let my actions speak louder than my words. He tries to show me how much he loves me with his words. Nothing wrong with either of us. That's how we communicate.

What hurts even more is hearing from my friends tell me how they sometimes fake headaches because their husbands want it "all the time." Then casually saying, "you know what I'm talking about." No, no I don't know what your talking about and hearing you talk like that brings back all of the "I'm a freak of nature, something must be terribly wrong with me" feelings. As infertiles we are used to people saying hurtful things all the time, without meaning to. "Just relax." "Just adopt." "Stop trying and you'll get pregnant." "You can have a couple of my kids." Please be mindful the next time you make a complaint because you never know what the other person is going through and you don't realize how much your words can hurt.

Hearing a friend complain because her husband wants sex too much is almost as hurtful as hearing a friend complain because her kids want/require too much of her attention.

1 Month Old

I cannot believe my little guy has been here a whole month already! Monday he weighed 9 pounds and 2 ounces and was 21 and 4/8 inches long. He's getting so big. 

He has started to fight his sleep. It's like he's realized there is a big, interesting world out there and if he closes his eyes he might miss something. Last night was brutal. The Mr. returned back to work this week and he's on 12 hour shifts and weekends so I'm trying to handle all of the night time care myself. I didn't realize how much it helped just to have him take over a couple of changing and soothing shifts. With Squishy's new additional fussiness at night; both mama and baby are tired and cranky when morning comes. Today has been a "mama naps when baby naps" kind of day. Oh well, "this too shall pass" I suppose. 

I love this boy. Even if he does rob me of precious sleep.