Monday, September 15, 2014

And So I Wait

I was hopeful AF would show up on the 13th like she has for the past two months. Alas, the 13th came and went and she did not rear her ugly head. I took a HPT today, hoping it would entice her to get the show on the road like it has in the past.

Now I'm just waiting. Either she'll show and I'll have renewed hope the higher dose of Met is working, or she won't and I'll discuss next steps with Dr. Lady Parts in December. My doctor knows we are TTC baby 2, and I'm afraid that she may bring up fertility treatments. I've given some thought to trying treatments again, but I'm not ready to go there yet. Squishy was conceived on a treatment free cycle, so I know it could happen. I'm also wondering if/what infertility coverage our insurance offers now. Before we had amazing insurance that covered 90% of cost, with a maximum $1000 out of pocket expense. But so much of our insurance has changed with the new healthcare laws and I'm not sure how the infertility coverage changed.

I know that without insurance coverage, pursuing treatments will not be an option for us; at least in the present. Being a SAHM leaves us with one income, and we simply will not be able to afford treatments. I know I'm putting the cart way before the horse here. Mentally, I am not ready to go through treatments again, and I'm not sure I ever will be.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

When Counting Sheep Doesn't Work

It's after 1a.m. and I'm lying here "bug-eyed" as my daddy would say. I hate that I can't seem to wind down. I know my 18 month old will have no sympathy for me in the morning and be up at his usual time, regardless of how tired his mommy is. 

I just keep thinking of things. Like why I'm cramping so much. Or why my boobs have been hurting periodically throughout this cycle. I don't think I'm pregnant, but I am wondering what my hormones are up to. Is it the increased dose of Met? Is it the weight I've lost? I've not lost nearly enough, but I am smaller than I've been since getting of birth control. Maybe it's a combination of both? I'm so hopeful that my body will start ovulating on its own. If I have a period this month it will be 3 months in a row! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that AF will make an appearance in the next couple of weeks. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Ignorance is Not Always Bliss

Last night someone said to me regarding PCOS/infertility, "The good thing about it is that you don't have to worry about taking contraceptives or getting pregnant." I was shocked. I was offended. I had a dozen responses running through my mind but couldn't seem to find my voice since I had obviously swallowed my tongue.

People are just. so. ignorant! I don't understand why people feel the need to try and put a positive spin on a disease as painful as infertility. These same people would never say to a diabetic, "Just think of all the calories you avoid by not being able to indulge in sweets."

Oh sure, I'm sooo lucky! I don't have to stress about remembering to take my BCP every day, or have sex hampered by a nasty condom. This is just perfect...until I want a baby.

I feel so blessed to have my Squishy. We would love to have more babies. I would feel blessed to have a dozen more kids, but that's not an option for us. We don't get to decide things like how big/small an age differance we would like between siblings, or if we'd rather have a Spring or Fall baby.

I often wish it were simple for us. Decide we're ready, have sex every other night, and within three months we're announcing I'm 5weeks 1 day pregnant on fb. But that doesn't work for me.

Squishy will be 18 months next week. It will also mark 14 months of "not preventing" for Baby #2. Squishy has been weaned for 5 months. During those 5 months I have had 2 natural and 1 induced bleeds. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if those cycles were anovulatory. I've recently started tracking my BBT, hopefully I'll have another cycle and my chart can show if I'm ovulating.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Hello There!

So...I tested. And it was negative.

I tested the next day. And it was negative.

I tested the day after that. And the day after that. I'm sure you're shocked that those two were both negatives.

After the fifth negative HPT, I finally accepted the fact that I was not pregnant. I ain't gonna lie, I was pretty bummed. I had a lot of symptoms, and was very hopeful that we would be making Squishy a big brother in April.

But my mood greatly improved yesterday when AF arrived. It could just be a coincidence that AF arrived after my cramps. Or I might have ovulated naturally. I have no way of knowing for sure, so I'm just going to assume it was the later.

Friday, August 1, 2014

I Want Off This Crazy Train!


I don't know if I'm ready to do this again. At first I thought I was, but now I'm not so sure. I'm halfway through my maybe TWW, and am symptom spotting like crazy. And their all there, just like they always are. Lots of abdominal cramping, lots of cervical mucus, exhsustion, overwhing emotions. It's still another week until I test (if I test).

I'm not even sure if I ovulated. I'm basing all of this off of a few cramps I had on my left side.
I thought I'd be ok either way, but now I realize I was just kidding myself. I am going to be very disappointed if I didn't get pregnant this month. If I don't get pregnant and don't get a period either, I will be devastated.

I did not miss the craziness of infertility at all. I'm so emotional, I cried during sex last night (TMI) and I have no idea why. The Mr. kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what was wrong. I just felt like crying, so I did. Ahh...

Stop the train! I want to get off!!!

Sunday, July 27, 2014


When I was on fertility treatments I always triggered when my follies were mature. And I always had some very noticeable ovulation pain. Nothing unbearable, but I knew the exact moment the egg(s) popped. After I stopped treatments I felt that same pain. The first time I thought it was in my head, until I had a period exactly two weeks later. The next time I felt that same pain I made sure me and the Mr. got down to business (wink, wink). Two weeks later I got my first and only positive pregnancy test.

Every. Single. Time. I have felt the pain on my left side. (I'm beginning to think my right ovary is defective). Thursday night I was lying in bed when I started having some pretty significant cramping, but it was only on my LEFT side. Now I remember that I felt ovulation pains, but I haven't felt those in over two years, so I do not remember exactly what they felt like. I'm not 100% certain ovulation was the cause of the cramps that I felt Thursday night. BUT we got in some bedroom exercise Thursday and Friday, just in case. As of right now I'm in a (kind of) TWW. At the end of two weeks I'll find out for sure if I ovulated, either by a positive pregnancy test or a period. If I'm pregnant I'll be ecstatic. If AF shows up, I'll be happy too because at least I'll know I ovulated. And maybe that will keep me motivated to keep up all my hard work where my new diet is concerned.

Low Amylose: Week 3

Number of pounds lost this week: 2
Total number of pounds lost: 8.5

I'm really surprised I lost anything this past week. We did so much traveling that my diet kind of took a back burner...for FOUR days. I was just hoping I hadn't gained so to have a 2 pound loss was a pleasant surprise. I plan to get back on track and finish out this first month with a bang.